ok. here i sit listening to Christmas music and drinking coffee; thinking about what to do next. there are no shoulds swirling through my mind, but contemplation and prayer about what comes next. how do i embrace this grief? what do i need? what am i thinking? what am i feeling? many questions with few answers...
what i do know however is that grief is a complex thing. i am learning many new things about life through this grief process, but i will not even begin to pretend that i enjoy all the parts and intricacies of this process.
as of 6:45am this morning i was officially alone in my house after a weekend of blessings with some of my safest and favorite people. it was a weekend filled with mixed blessings; blessings of fun and fellowship with the girls, but also a weekend of allowing myself to grieve things that i had yet to embrace. you see i never really grieved when my friends left the first time...(1) i didn't want to grieve, and (2) i didn't know how to grieve. yet here i am now in a place where grief is not only possible, but in a place where i really would like to grow and embrace this piece of my life.
as my friends began to arrive and our visiting began, i realized how many pieces of redemption i currently live in every day! the Rachel that moved to Arkansas was not ready to embrace, connect, and attach to anyone, especially people in the program, since history proved i move in, get the business done, and move out...why bother connecting and attaching to people if you're just going to move away? God is showing me how much that attitude and approach didn't actually get me any where except farther along the path of cutoff and undifferentiation. so the redemption that i live in everyday is the new reality that some how by the grace of God and the work of the Spirit my heart was softened in a way that pushed me towards attaching to other people, especially there 3 friends.
please do not believe that this process was quick, painless, or effortless because it was not - I'm sure my friends will attest to that! but as the process of me learning to attach occur ed, God created strong bonds of friendship and fellowship unlike anything i had ever experienced in my life! thus over the two and half years since i have been here in nwa God blessed me with the ability to take a risk and steep the belief that not only was i not as independent as i liked to claim, but that i also really needed other people, i needed to be interdependent with others and completely dependent on God. it would be a huge lie if i didn't mention how much of a daily battle this can truly be for me most days...
so this weekend became a weekend where i got to enjoy the blessings of time and fellowship with these great friends, but also a time to physically be in grief as needed. there were times i said yes to embracing the grief, and other times i would say no to the grief. this morning i said no to the grief...i wish that i wouldn't have done that, but i did. i chose not to let myself feel all the pain of grief this morning :o( i can't really say that there is a positive to this story at the moment, but the fact of the matter is that i do get to choose whether or not to grieve. although no one ever took that ability for me to choose to grieve or not away, i had stuffed emotions and feelings, including grief, way down deep that i never remember thinking/feeling like i had a choice in the matter of grief or not - i simply didn't and never thought about needing to. now I'm at a point where i get to decide, i get to choose if i grieve or not. i am learning that there are times and places we get to put grief on hold for periods of time. this morning was not one of those times; rather it was quite the opposite, it was the perfect time and opportunity - and i said no. however, the grace and mercy of God is what allows me the opportunity to come back to those places of grief that i so desperately have tried to ignore and stuff away.
despite the uncomfortable feelings and emotions that have accompanied what grief i have been willing to embrace, i have learned another valuable lesson - the risk is worth it; worth it meaning of great value not always fun, comfortable, or even desirable, but still very worth it. if we are to grieve, it means we must have the potential for loss. sure some loses are inevitable and a part of life, but there are also the potential loses that come as we take risks on people and things. as much as i have come to appreciate, need, and love (riya) these friends it has been a huge risk. as i allowed myself to get closer and attach with these girls i was always very aware of the potential risks.
Yet here we all are two and a half years later...this weekend was an added awareness of what God has already redeemed and a reminder that we really never know how God is going to redeem or when He will chose to show us the light of His redemption. i receive this blessing and pray that it will be a reminder of God's faithfulness as He and i continue on this journey of grief and on this journey of process. the delights of this weekend that i was able to partake in were all products of God warming pieces of my heart to attach and connect with others, despite the risks that i always think/feel are there. so although i have disliked many of the pieces of this journey, the blessings that i received and the feelings/emotions that existed this weekend as a result of His work in my life truly are priceless pieces of this process and journey.
i know there are still some very difficult places ahead but i am going to take this weekend as a gift; a gift of seeing God's hand at work. i know he is always at work, but what a privilege when He shows us where He has already been moving and working!
this grief journey is still hard and difficult, but i appreciate being able to see payoffs...this is my first official payoff of the work i've been doing! This payoff is mine first! many of the payoffs have presented themselves as i've worked with clients, and i can't begin to describe how much i love that this payoff was experienced by me and for me without any clients present! i know they will reap the benefits too, i just like that this one finally presented itself in a way that it finally felt like a payoff just for me and for no one else! i don't have time to go into the details of the payoff at the moment but i will be sure to share them with you!
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