Although it's been far too long since I last wrote, I have continued to learn more about grieving and the importance it has in my life.
Grief used to be this word that I hated. If anyone so much as mentioned something remotely related to grief I shut it out; I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it! No grieving for me thank you! However, since first starting this blog I have learned so much about grief and have experienced even more of it. Which for the record I must still say that the active process of grief is still no fun, still uncomfortable, still difficult, and still very painful...and yet somehow still very worth it. So let me explain.
Without being willing to grieve I settled for a life without freedom, a life without positive emotions, and a life void of quality intimate relationships. By refusing to grieve I willingly gave up life; I relinquished opportunities of great connection & friendship; I withheld true pleasure & joy from myself; I became bitter & unforgiving; and I lost hope. This life couldn't possibly be the life that Jesus promises,
"A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." John 10:10
He promises life, not just eternal life, but life today, on earth. A life that has the potential to be more than anything I could have ever imagined or asked for. And to think that I gave up opportunities to walk in and experience that life, that free and joyfully life that Jesus promises all because I refused to grieve.
However, I’ve been reminded many times over the last year how not grieving was my place of survival. So I can’t berate myself completely over not learning to grieve sooner. Remembering that not grieving was my survival remains an important and integral part of my process. It’s a place of sadness because it reminds me of why I refused to grieve in the first place, but it also reminds me of where I have been. Those experiences that influenced my refusal to grieve are a part of my story, and surprisingly not something I want to forget. I want to remember. That sounds kind of strange I know, but if I forget parts of my story, then I miss out on the glory. I miss out on seeing and experiencing God’s glory revealed in my life, and ultimately miss seeing and experiencing His glory in me.
My initial processes of grief exposed great places of shame and worthlessness, the opposite of glory. For me shame was a very dark and twisty place, a place void of purpose, meaning, identity, and glory. Grieving didn’t automatically open doors to freedom from shame and give me free reign in glory, but it opened a door. It opened the door for God to speak truth over places where Satan spoke lies and brought pain. It opened the door for me to start seeing and experiencing God’s glory. And it’s that glory that I want more and more of…
As I continue to journey, I’m no worse for wear, but quite the opposite actually. If anything, learning to grieve has opened up doors to new opportunities for living. By being willing to grieve, I think I have more glimpses of what that life Jesus promises looks like. For starters I have life, and it’s more full and real than it’s ever been before. However, I still think it’s just a glimpse. As I continue to journey through the joy & the sorrow I expect to find more life and freedom than I ever thought was possible.
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