.sick days.

It’s one of those days, a day plagued by sickness, the stomach flu to be exact.  And of course, it never fails that every time I’m sick I want to be mothered, which is only a reminder and trigger to a place of great loss for me. Seriously, isn’t it enough to be sick in bed, puking your guts out without having to be reminded of the losses in your life? Seriously!  It’s days like this that I really hate Satan, granted there aren’t any days that I like him, but it’s days like this that my heart is grieved over how many people he kicks when he’s already got them down.  He’s like the bully on the school yard that already knocked tiny Tim down, but continues to kick him in the stomach anyways just because he can…

The final outcome for me was a day filled with the gross, “yuckyness” of having the stomach flu coupled with difficult and painful feelings of grief, aka I had one pretty crummy day (and that is putting it very nicely); A day filled with physical, emotional, and at times spiritual pain & dehydration. Being sick with the stomach flu + grief = a very tired and exhausted Rachel not really feeling strong enough to fight off lies…

And yet surprisingly the day didn’t end with my crumpled, exhausted, grieving self lying curled up in a ball on the floor (although there were moments of that throughout the day).  As if feeling sorry for myself wasn’t enough, I decided to tell God how unsatisfied I was with the fact that here He & I sat once again, in this same old spot of grief. In the way that only He knows how to do, he quietly begin to remind me about how although the feelings may be similar, He & I are sitting in a very different spot….He started with a song, (because even in my sickness I have music going) so as I’m starting to hash it out with Jesus the song Save Me by J.H Heller came on. The 3 minutes & 6 seconds of the song was somehow all it took for God to quiet my spirit long enough to really hear Him explain how He & I really aren’t at the same place with grief…how although there is no true ending of grief this side of eternity, grief changes. Grief has changed for me, and over time it will continue to change for me, as long as I'm willing to sit in the midst of grief & loss that is. 

The difference today was God’s reminder that because I was willing to begin the process of grieving the loss of a mother, I had opened myself up to receive the gift of a mother…a mother who was simply a call away; A mother who went out of her way to come sit and talk with me, fix me hot tea, and simply just be with me; A mother who took the risk of catching my sickness to curl up in the bed alongside me and rub my sore, throbbing forehead; A mother who let me cry and talk out not knowing how to answer her when she asked what she could do for me because I don’t really know what moms do when their children are sick; A mother who stayed the night just to be with me and take care of me….all of this I got to experience because I’ve been learning and willing to grieve. Despite the uncomfortable and painful experiences of grief, I really do continue to be amazed by the rewards and payoffs of what being willing to grieve ultimately brings.